Embracing past
by MarlleneMilton
Summary: After BoFA, everybody lives. Bilbo is forced to leave after the battle and starts a new life. 5 years after the Battle Thorin goes to the Shire to get his hobbit back.
1. Chapter 1

**Run to you**

There he is beautiful as ever, smoking his pipe and looking as if nothing could disturb his peaceful life. Like nothing unexpected ever happened to him, no old wizard came to him and brought a group of bad mannered dwarves to his home, no mad adventure invaded his quiet life and no dwarf king whispered sweet words to him under the stars.

Thorin finally gathers enough courage to leave his hiding place and approach his hobbit when the door to Bag End opens and a young hobbit lass comes out. She is holding a small tray with a cup of tea and some cookies bringing it to Bilbo. She gives him a quick kiss on the lips and walks back to the hobbit hole. Thorin is standing hidden in the shadow frozen and breathless. In every scenario he imagined of meeting with his hobbit again, there was never one with the possibility of Bilbo starting a new life with another hobbit. He imagined Bilbo kicking him out of his door, yelling at him that he will never forgive him, fainting at the doorstep or charging at him with his letter opener. But it was always only Bilbo in his home, never with someone else.

Oh how stupid he was! Of course he moved on. Why would he wait for someone who almost killed him and banished him? He didn´t even wait for Thorin to wake up, to make sure he was still alive. For all he knew the hobbit could easily think he died on the battlefield. But he didn´t let him fight the orcs alone, he came to fight by his side even after what he had said to him at the gate. Then why did he leave immediately after the battle? Was he afraid of Thorin? Did he think he would hurt him? Didn´t he realise it was the madness talking? He didn´t even give him a chance to apologize and beg for forgiveness. Instead he sought comfort from another. That hurt.

Suddenly it fels like his heart is ripping itself out of his chest. He spent so long preparing for this moment. Years of rebuilding and securing the mountain so that he could run to his hobbit and bring him back with him and all of it just went out the window the moment the hobbit lass kissed his hobbit. No, not his. Not anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

**Would you cry for me**

The stench of blood and death was everywhere. He´d been trudging through the bodies for what felt like forever, but then finally he saw the dwarf king. He was fighting the masses of orcs relentlessly, but even though he was still holding up, he couldn´t slay them all and survive. Bilbo thrust Sting in the belly of the first orc he got to. He didn´t care for his life anymore. All he wanted was Thorin to survive!

The king looked confused by the sudden deaths of his enemies, but didn´t have time to dwell on it. From his movements was apparent that his right shoulder was dislocated and he had to defend himself using only the other less capable arm.

Bilbo kept fighting, but more and more were coming and he couldn´t keep much of them from coming near Thorin. When he cut off a leg of a particularly ugly orc, he heard Thorin´s cry as one the orcs came at him unnoticed by both the dwarf and the hobbit, and shove his blade through Thorin´s thigh. The dwarf collapsed and would probably be beheaded if Bilbo didn´t kill the orc in time. This scene looked painfully familiar to the him. Thorin was unconscious lying in his own puddle of blood. Before more orcs could get to them, the rest of the Company and part of the Dain´s army came to take care of them.

They all went pale at the sight of their king´s body among the dead orcs. They swiftly took him to the healers praying for his strenght to last. None of them heard the hobbit crying over Thorin´s body. He tried to follow them when they took him, but his head was spinning and his last thought before the darkness took him was to take off the ring.

He woke up in a loud tent filled with men rushing around the wounded. Someone must have found him and bring him there. He still felt dizzy, but the need to see Thorin was stronger. He needed to know he was alive. Maybe he could somehow explain his motives for stealing the Arkenstone. Maybe Thorin would forgive him enough to let them part as friends. No matter how much the thought of leaving pained him. But Thorin must be alive! He just couldn´t die! That wasn´t possible and Bilbo wouldn´t believe it even if he saw it with his own eyes. He would knock some sense into him and make him alive again! There was no way of Thorin being dead!

Thorin´s tent wasn´t hard to find. There were two guards in front of it fully armed watching every movement around.

"Excuse me, I´m part of Thorin´s…I mean the king´s company reclaiming Erebor. If you could let me in, I just want to know how are his injuries and to make sure he´s alright." He didn´t think much about what he was saying, his mind was filled with images of Thorin´s lifeless body.

One of the bodyguards looked him over.

"You are a hobbit. You are the hobbit."

"Uhm..yes. I´m the only hobbit around here so if you please just-"

"Then you are the traitor."

"What? I…I´m-"

"The king banished you. You have no business here."

"I know but-"

"Do you think we would let a traitor come near our king to put a knife through his heart?"

"What? I would never-"

"Get him out of here. The king is not to be disturbed in his recovery and this scum´s presence would only add to his distress. The king´s words were that you are banished from Erebor and according to our laws that means if you return, you will pay with your life."

"Wait! I need to know if he´s alright! Please!" The other gurad already grabbed him and was dragging him away.

"You are not welcome here. The king said so himself."

"You don´t understand! Let me see him! Please! Let me go, I must see him!" He was crying and fighting the firm grip on him, screaming his lungs out, felling such pain inside he thought would tear him apart.

When they were far enough from Thorin´s tent, he was thrown on the rocky ground near the men´s tents. He tried to run back, but the dizziness made it much harder and he ended up thrown on the ground again.

"Don´t you try to sneak back or I will personally take pleasure in cutting off your thieving hands. As I´m sure my king would approve. Unfortunately, the order says banished only. Be gone then halfling, you are not welcome here."

Bilbo felt sick and it had nothing to do with the state of his head. He felt arms carrying him into a bigger tent than the one he was in before. Eveything was a blur. The healers bandaged his head and ordered him to rest, but sleep didn´t find him. The guard´s word kept echoing in his head as if was talking to him right there. _Traitor. Banished. This scum´s presence._ _My king would approve._

They were right. Thorin did banish him. _No friendship of mine goes with him._ He really was a sad, naive hobbit who thought he was good enough for a king. He betrayed his trust even if it was for a good reason, and now he had to pay for it.

Bilbo left the tent to find Bard. They agreed that two of his men would accompany the hobbit to the Laketown. Then he went to talk to Legolas who also offered two guards to join him and go with him to Rivendell. It was all he could ask for as he was afraid to travel alone for obvious reasons.

Just as he was loading the pony with provisions, he heard two very distressed voices calling him.

"Bilbo!"

"Bilbo!"

"Fili. Kili." He answered calmly, but ver happy to see them both alive and well enought to run around the camp.

"We were looking everyewhere for you! Are you….are you leaving? Why?"

"Kili, you know very well I was banished and there is no place for me in Erebor."

"Oh uncle will definitely repeal the banishment when he wakes up." Kili replied with eagerness.

"He´s alive then? Oh thank Eru for that." He sighed with relief.

"Yes, Oin said his wounds were severe, but he will make it and should be awake in couple days. You have to stay!"

"No, boys. I´m glad you are well and Thorin is alive, but he was very clear in his wishes. Besides, this is not my home." The dwarves´ hurt at this was evident.

"But…. you can´t leave! Bilbo, you must know…" Fili seemed unable voice his thoughts.

"He loves you! Don´t you know it? Please, Bilbo. Stay!" Kili was crying at this point and was looking at Bilbo with pleading eyes. The hobbit just looked at them sadly and pulled them into a hug.

"I will miss you both terribly. And the rest of the Company too."

"You are really leaving then?" asked Fili and Bilbo nodded.

"Wait here just a second. If you must go, we can´t let you leave like this. Kili, make sure he doesn´t run away." And then he was gone before could Bilbo say anything. Neither him nor Kili knew where the other prince went off to.

Kili hugged Bilbo again and whispered to his ear another pleas.

"Please, don´t go. Trust me, uncle will take back what he said. It wasn´t really him. He will never forgive himself if you are not here when he wakes up."

In that moment Fili returned holding two small chests. Small according to dwarvish standards. Bilbo looked at him disapprovingly.

"What on earth is this?"

"This is just a small part of your share of the treasure."

"No, the Arkenstone-"

"You saved our lives many times Bilbo and if you really must go, you won´t go with empty hands and that´s it!"

He wanted to argue, but knew it would be pointless. He already knew quite enough about the stubborness of the Durins. They exchanged their last goodbyes and with the young dwarves´ weeping still withing hearing, Bilbo left Erebor with two men and two elves, leaving a big part of his heart behind.


	3. Chapter 3

Restless

Just when they thought the King was out of danger, some of his wounds got infected and he suffered from a high fever. It had taken hold of him for many nights and the dwarves began to accept that their King would perish soon and he would never sit on his reclaimed throne again.

While Thorin´s body was struggling with its wounds, his mind was going through a similar battle. He was having terrible nightmares, his mind presenting him with the worst memories it could find. It started with Smaug burning his home and destroying his life and future, then his grandfather´s head falling from Azog´s grasp and rolling on the ground, and then Bilbo. His love hanging over the cliff, grasping at him desperately, begging him to listen, to understand. It was his own hand that let go of his hobbit. He was watching him falling again and again, those beautiful eyes widened in surprise and betrayal, and the beloved voice calling him was broken and slowly fading away.

One part of him, the one still dominated by the madness, was whispering to him words of praise and approval. Get rid of the halfling, it said. He betrayed you, he is a traitor. This is what he deserves.

The other part that in the end defeated the madness was plaguing him with images of Bilbo´s eyes filled with fear, fear of him. The same eyes that used to hold so much love and adoration for him. He was the traitor, not Bilbo.

Sometimes the fever lowered a bit and he knew about the world around for a split second, but too soon he was watching his family die and Bilbo fall once more.

An age must have passed before he could fully open his eyes again. The tent was dark and silent. After several failed attempts to move when his body proved to be too heavy, he gave up and let sleep claim him again.

Thankfully the fever didn´t return and when he woke up the next day, Oin was fussing around him, talking about damn luck and retirement, making him drink something which made his stomach turn. During the following days he slowly started regaining his strenght and learned about the aftermath of the battle. What a shock it was to hear from his nephews that Bilbo was already gone. Apparently didn´t wait another day and fled the first chance he got. Thorin´s feelings about this were mixed. He knew Bilbo had every right to leave, he told him to leave himself, but still he hoped that his hobbit knew he hadn´t meant what he had said at the gate. He remembered how they used to talk about making a big garden just outside the mountain for him to grow whatever he wanted there. But what would be the use of a garden if there wasn´t a hobbit to take care of her.

Many days had passed until Thorin finally sat upon the throne. After years of wandering, starving and grieving, the dwarves had a home and a king again. The reconstruction was slow and difficult, every day more caravans arrived bringing more life to the mountain.

As much as Thorin was busy with supervision of the arrivals and the rebuilding, he couldn´t get Bilbo out his head. The guilt was poisoning him, eating every piece of happines he found with his new life. Just as he was sitting outside the royal tower as usually, looking at the horizon when the memories didn´t let him sleep, he found himself in a company of his oldest friend.

"How long do you think you can go on like this?" Dwalin didn´t bother with formalities and went straight to the point. He wasn´t looking at his king, but at a friend who was a fool.

Thorin simply raised an eyebrow at him encouraging him to explain further.

"You´re restless and grumpy even more than usually. And you really could use some sleep. I know it´s the hobbit, but this has to stop or the Council will think you´re ill again or-" he knew he was one of the few who could say what he intended to say.

"- or ill-fitted to be a king."

Thorin turned sharply at his friend. "They wouldn´t dare!" he growled.

"No, but it would raise very uncomfortable questions, don´t you think? Your people don´t need insecurities right know. What they need is a strong ruler they can depend on in every way."

Dwalin had obviously more on his mind, but he waited for his friend to react. The silence grew longer and thicker, but Thorin didn´t look that he would answer any time soon or if at all.

"Thorin, you have to do something! This is killing you!"

"What would you have me do?" Thorin snapped at him. "Run to the Shire after him? I can´t leave my kingdom now, you said it yourself, I need to be a strong ruler and I can´t do that if I´m on the other side of Middle-earth! And do I need to remind you that it was him who left! It was his choice."

"Because you banished him! You told him to go. Yes, he could have waited, I agree with that, but he would have never left you and he didn´t! You know he was on the battlefield with you, we all saw that letter opener of his piercing through the orcs around you so I dare say he saved your life again! So don´t tell me he left you because it´s the last thing he would have done." He threw his arms in the air and huffed angrily.

"You were together and you almost killed him for Mahal´s sake! I know it wasn´t you, but do you think he fully understood it as well?"

"You think I forgot about that? That the memory of what I´ve done doesn´t hunt me every time I close my eyes? Don´t ever think that I don´t regret it and that I wouldn´t do anything in the world to go back and change it. But I can´t."

"Then write to him. We made sure everyone knew about his saving your life and that what he did wasn´t a treason, but HE doesn´t know it. Do at least this for him, he doesn´t deserve to spend the rest of his life thinking that you hate him when clearly it´s the opposite."

If Thorin expected this kind of speech from anyone, Dwalin wasn´t on the list. But the other dwarf saw what a mistake it was to underestimate Bilbo before Thorin did and he was glad the hobbit found a way to his king´s heart.

"Tell him, Thorin. Tell him what we all see in your face every day. We all miss him and we would tell him ourselves, but it´s not us he wants to hear it from. It´s not us he lost his heart to." After these words Dwalin nodded more to himself as to ensure it was all he wanted to say and walked away leaving Thorin to his thoughts again.

The next couple days were exceptionally busy for Thorin, but the thought of writing to Bilbo didn´t leave him. It wasn´t until a week after his talk with Dwalin when he finally found himself frowning at an empty paper trying to put all his desperation in words.

_To Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End_

_I, Thorin II Oakenshield, son of Thráin, son of Thrór, King Under the Mountain, officially lift your banishment that I decreed. The punishment for the assumed treason was not deserved and I take back with great regret the injustice I inflicted upon you._

_Bilbo, please accept this as my sincere apology for what I said and did to you. I deeply regret letting the madness take hold of me and make me hurt those I care for. I´m sorry for hurting you so much that you felt the need to leave right after the battle. I wish you had waited and had given me a chance to explain and apologize. _

_I would say all this and much more to you in person, but the reconstructions and the arrivals of other dwarves need my supervision. Therefore I´m asking you to come back to Erebor. Please, come back to me. I miss you with every fibre of my being. Without you by my side it´s not a victory as it should be._

_I´m glad you agreed to take at least a part of your share of the treasure with you, but there is still a lot you left behind. Me included. _

_If you can´t find it in your heart to forgive me, I will understand. But it´s not just me who is asking you to return. The whole Company was distressed upon hearing of your rushed departure. Except for Fili and Kili, who as I heard tried to make you stay and delivered the sad news to the rest. They are your friends and they shouldn´t pay for what only I am to blame. _

_I understand the journey from your home here is long and dangerous, but if you decide to come back, I´ll send guards to Lake Town to escort you safely to the mountain. I´m sure your Elven friends will be more than happy to offer their help on your journey to the town. _

_If you don´t want to come back because of me, send a reply at least that we know you are well and you still consider the rest of the Company friends. It would ease their minds greatly as it would mine. _

_I´ll be waiting impatiently for your answer no matter which option you choose. Remember that I still carry you in my heart and I always will. _

_Yours truly_

_Thorin_

Several months later in Bree

"Baggins you said?"

"Yes, madam. I have a letter for Bilbo Baggins."

"Oh what a coincidence! I know Bilbo very well and I could tell you where he lives. Or I could just give it to him so you wouldn´t have to trouble yourself, Mister."

"Thank you for your offer, but I was told to give it to Mr. Baggins´ hands only by the dwarven king himself."

The hobbit lass saddened quickly.

"Bilbo is my cousin, you see and I promised to help him with baking today. He´s just so sad since he came back from his adventure with the dwarves. I´m sure that letter from his friends would cheer him up and that´s something I´ve been trying to achieve this whole time! I just want to see him smile again. My poor cousin, I can´t even imagine what he´s been through.

She took out her handkerchief with shaking hands to dry her eyes.

"I just want him to be happy just as he was before he left for that mad adventure."

The man was watching her sadly. Then took out the letter and handed it to her.

"He´s lucky to have a family like you, Miss…?

"Lobelia. Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. And it´s Mrs."


	4. Chapter 4

Bilbo

The journey back was long and tyring, but Bilbo didn´t remember much of it. One moment he was talking with Fili and Kili and the other he was already leaving Rivendell. Lord Elrond was very kind to him and made sure he spent some time in his home to recover from the long travel and the injuries he suffered along the way. What the elf didn´t know was that Bilbo suffered not just from sore feet, but even more from a broken spirit. Or maybe he did. Maybe he saw the hollow look in the hobbit´s eyes, the spark that used to be always present the last time he was in his home, was completely gone. Even though he found him many times in the library going through ancient scrolls, the interest in which he was reading them was vague. As if it was more of a habit that an actual interest. The hobbit was broken that much was obvious. What exactly was troubling him, the elven lord didn´t know, but he could spot a heartbreak when he saw one.

Finally, after more than a year, Bilbo was back in the Shire. Back home. But it didn´t feel as good as he had hoped. Not long before he arrived at Bag End he found out about the auction of his belongings. It took him 2 weeks to finally get everything back. The hobbit hole was a mess. Everything was piled up as he threw it there after he had convinced his relatives that he was very much alive and was still the owner of all those things. Sorting it all out at least kept his mind busy and Eru knew he needed that. It worked until he got to the small pile of doilies. Their value changed so much from the last time he saw them. He used to take them as something precious, but now he only threw them into a box with old sheets.

He was not surprised at all when he didn´t find any of his silver spoons returned. Bilbo rubbed his palm over his face and secretly hoped Lobelia would choke on soup with the spoons.

Eventually when the hole was clean again, it all dawned on him. The loneliness he felt, the silence and emptiness of his home. How could it be a home when it lacked the merry voices singing about blunting his knives? Without the noises from the table that he had found so disgusting back then or Thorin´s deep voice and stern gaze always following him. Even the insults would be more welcome now that the endless silence. How could he just go back to his old life when he had fought orcs and riddled with Gollum. Gods, he faced a bloody dragon!

But no one knew this in the Shire. The place was still peaceful, happy, dealing with every day affairs that mattered little. It felt so strange to watch the lives of the hobbits go on as they always did. It wasn´t that he had been gone for too long and came back to a changed place. The opposite actually, as if the world stopped there and nothing that happened outside its borders could affect it. Bilbo used to love this about the Shire, but oh how much he hated it now. He had seen too much, had lived through too much to just leave it all behind. The Shire hadn´t changed, but he did.

The treasure chest was stored away along with Sting, the mithril armor and the map of the Lonely Mountain he so took at the last moment. The only thing he had left of that blasted mountain. What good did it bring him? It almost killed him and turned his friends into greedy beasts just as the one lying on the piles of gold.

He really was a fool for going on an adventure like that. What on earth possessed him? But as much as he couldn´t understand why, he couldn´t bring himself to regret it. Despite the bitter end, they had some really great time. It was like having a family again, with Fili and Kili calling him uncle all the time. Sometimes even auntie, but Bilbo put a quick end to it. Having this and then having it all ripped out of his hands made it hurt much more. And then there was Thorin. Losing his friends hurt badly, but it was nothing compared to the pain filling him every time his thoughts turned to the King. But he didn´t shed a tear during the day, only at night when his mind wandered too far, he wept for the moments when it wasn´t King Thorin, but just a dwarf that was his. For some time Thorin was only his. And with these sweet memories he would fall asleep with a smile on his face every night to keep away bitter memories of their parting. Not that it worked every time.

This was how he lived now. Sorting and reading books and maps, having tea with friends and relatives. But only with those who didn´t try to take their share from his property. Primula Brandybuck was one of his friends who kept visiting him very often. It was she who helped him get out of his shell of grim memories. She was very kind, subtle and perfectly respectable. Nothing like the dwarves.

But what he appreciated the most was her attitude towards his adventure. She didn´t ask about it, but didn´t avoid the subject either when it came to it. She was waiting patiently when he was ready to talk about it and Bilbo couldn´t be more grateful. Her visits slowly became longer and more frequent. After couple months of this going on, Bilbo started laughing again. It was during one late afternoon, Primula was out at the market and Bilbo was making dinner when he heard raised voices from outside. He opened the front door and saw his cousin Drogo standing in front of the gate, covered from head to toe in mud. But what made Bilbo laugh was the single white daisy sitting in his cousin´s dirty locks. Primula was laughing next to him with hands over her belly and Drogo was frowning at her with what he thought to be a death glare. It wasn´t.

They both turned abruptly to the green door when they heard someone else laughing. Bilbo was crying, holding the door frame for support. His belly hurt and he felt a slight pain starting in his jaws, but it felt incredibly good.

Almost two years after his return, Primula moved into Bad End with him. Their first kiss happened in the kitchen when he was washing the dishes and he was flushed from the warm water. It was extremely awkward and Bilbo thought he was too old for starting all this anew.

Their life together was peaceful and happy, just as it should be for two hobbits. Except for one thing. After 3 years of their relationship and Bilbo still didn´t propose. He knew it was high time and it was what was expected from him, but something kept him from making that step. During his years as a bachelor he never thought he would marry and if he were honest with himself, that didn´t change. He loved Primula that he knew, but he also knew that he didn´t love her as he loved Thorin.

Sometimes he sneaked out of the bed to the quiet night to have a smoke outside. Then and only then he allowed himself to remember once again. He imagined Thorin´s blue eyes burning his very soul every time he looked at him. The raven locks being so soft despite their hard appearance. Bilbo chuckled at his own thoughts when he recalled Thorin´s face after he once mentioned he liked the grey streaks in his hair. And the big, strong hands consuming him completely, letting him lose himself in the scent that was purely Thorin. His fingers itched, yearning to touch the firm body again, to have it back. He didn´t even know if Thorin loved him at all or if he was just a pleasant distraction on the road. They never voiced what was between them, never talked about it between the quick moments of passion. He probably served just as a stress release for the future King. And if not, the blasted stone ruined it all anyway.

It was at one of those nights when Bilbo was sitting on the bench again looking wistfully at the sky. Did they miss him in Erebor? Surely if they did, the would have sent a note at least. Perhaps they were angry that he left without saying goodbye. Or more likely, they were angry for what he had done.

It was all gone. He had a new life now. A new adventure. It was time to put Mad Baggins to the box with the remains of the journey and be the respectable Master Baggins who would marry the wonderful woman that loved him and would start a family with her. Tomorrow he would ask her to marry him. Yes, tomorrow would mark the beginning of a new period of his life.


End file.
